A while ago, I reconnected with an old friend from childhood. It felt serendipitous—like the universe had handed me a second chance at something special. We had a great first date. The conversation flowed easily, the laughter came naturally, and the comfort of shared history made everything feel warm and familiar.
Then, a few days later, my phone lit up with a series of messages from him. They were charged, almost defensive, as if he had to get them out before I got any ideas. He told me he didn’t want a relationship. He said he wasn’t emotionally available.
It was jarring. Not because he didn’t want to pursue anything, but because the shift was so sudden—from connection to a full stop.
In the past, I might have taken this personally. I might have wondered if I said something wrong, or if I had read the date entirely wrong. I might have replayed every detail in my head, trying to spot the moment when things went sideways.
But here’s what I’ve learned: emotional unavailability isn’t always about you.
When someone says they’re emotionally unavailable, it usually means they have difficulty connecting on a deeper emotional level—possibly with anyone. That difficulty could stem from fear, past trauma, unresolved heartbreak, or simply a desire to avoid vulnerability. In other words, it’s about their internal walls, not your worth.
Yes, it’s disappointing—especially when there was real chemistry. But taking it personally adds unnecessary weight to something that isn’t yours to carry. His emotional readiness (or lack thereof) is not a reflection of your value.
It helped me to remember that someone can find you interesting, attractive, and enjoyable to be around—and still be incapable of building something lasting with you. That doesn’t make you any less. It just means the timing, or the person, isn’t right.
So instead of spiraling into self-doubt, I took his message at face value and let it be. I appreciated the honesty, even if it was abrupt. I recognized that trying to “convince” someone to be emotionally available is like trying to open a locked door without the key—you’ll just exhaust yourself and possibly hurt your own heart in the process.
If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of this kind of message, remember: it’s not about fixing them, and it’s certainly not about fixing yourself. The healthiest thing you can do is step back, keep your dignity, and make space for someone who is capable of showing up fully.
Because you deserve a relationship where you don’t have to wonder if they’re capable of loving you. You deserve someone who is ready, willing, and able to connect—not someone you have to wait for or rescue from their own walls.
Don’t take it personally. Walk away with your head high. The right person won’t just be emotionally available—they’ll be emotionally present, too.
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