Bickering – a Sign of Communication Problems in a Relationship
Most couples bicker all the time. Sometimes, not a day goes by that bickering does not happen. Does this mean bickering is healthy? Or could frequently engaging in this activity lead to a fight, which in turn could lead to a break up?
Is Bickering Healthy?
Whether bickering is healthy or not is up for debate, but from experience, I can say that bickering is normal.
Let’s face it, if you have been with a person for a long time and you’ve started to find romantic moments cheesy and scarcer than a blue moon, the rhythm of your conversations change.
Change in the way you talk to each other isn’t exactly a bad thing, though. It indicates that you’ve gone past the mushy, lovey-dovey stage and settled down to a “real relationship”. Now, you can talk about anything and everything, and snoring in your sleep isn’t supposed to turn the other person off anymore.
Bickering is good when it takes on a fun form… BANTER.
The dictionary meaning of banter is “lighthearted teasing or amusing remarks that are exchanged between people”. When you exchange banter with your partner, you’re confident that he or she won’t take offense because you really don’t mean any. It also demonstrates that you know your partner’s strong and weak points, and that you’re not touching any of the seriously sore spots.
But banter could turn bad (and evolve into a full-fledged BICKER) if…
… stress has been building all day for one or both partners (meaning, neither is in the mood for playful swordplay).
… your remarks are “loaded” (you try, unsuccessfully, to coat your serious complaints and verbal attacks in jokes thinking you can soften the blow).
The thing is, no exchange of playful banter will sound right if there’s something deeply wrong with the way you communicate with your partner. In this case, every exchange becomes a fight, and every remark is taken seriously. That’s when bickering turns bad, and becomes the wick to the bomb that could blow up your relationship.
What if He Had a Gay Lover?
One of the things that make a woman toss and turn at night is infidelity. Several what-if scenarios come to mind, but the mother of all infidelity nightmares is this… your man having a gay lover, whether in the past or in the future.
But is it really that bad? It’s not so bad. The concept of homosexuality is not uncommon, but few people understand how a heterosexual man could go for another of his kind when there are women around. Some people shrug it off as being bisexual, a slave to passion (and pleasure), or “having no other choice”. I think it goes deeper than that.
Bestfriend Moments
As girls, we have best gal pals we can run to for advice or for company whenever we want. Men have those, too. In fact, it’s safe to say that men understand each other and know how to deal with hang ups together just like girls. They have their “bestfriend moments” and sometimes things go deeper.
Don’t Force the Regret on Him
What I’m saying is that your boyfriend may not be living with regret at having been in love with a guy in the past, and your role is not to force the regret on him. In fact, be open-minded enough to treat his past relationship with a man (I’m not saying “gay guy”… a “man”) as something that’s special to him.
The whole homophobic world may have judged him over it already, so don’t add to it by saying “are you the gay one or was he the gay one” like it’s a bad thing. If the experience was special to him, it shouldn’t be something that he has to be ashamed of.
Will He Ever Do it Again (with a Man)?
This is the same as asking “is he gay because he had a gay lover”? The correct answer to that is up for debate, but my position on that has something to do with my definition of what ‘universal love’ is. Let me explain…
Out of curiosity, I asked an open-minded guy once about falling in love with another man. He said, “if a person makes me feel special and I can be myself around that person, I won’t take his being a man against him”. What we can get from that is we can fall in love with someone for various reasons, and the matter of gender only becomes an issue if we take what society (and religion) mandates seriously.
In conclusion, people fall in love with people. It’s not all about sexual preference. Most of the time, it’s about emotional compatibility. Love, the universal, all-encompassing type, is a beautiful thing that can happen between two individuals. It shouldn’t be boxed up into categories like “homo” and “hetero”.
Why Rebound Relationships Rarely Work
How many times have you seen one of your friends break up with a long-term partner only to find, the very next week, someone is absolutely wrong for them? It’s a break up phenomenon we call rebound dating.
The idea of rebound relationships is an instinct we develop because of the usual way we deal with getting hurt. We need comfort ASAP. It’s too painful so we need something that soothes us. It’s like we’re looking for a way to comfort ourselves after we’ve been hurt.
Three Reasons Why Rebound Dating Doesn’t work
It just seems natural to look for another romance right after a breakup. That’s emotional comfort food for you, but there are so many reasons why doing this is WRONG.
1. You’re in a Daze
Choosing a partner when your judgment is still cloudy usually does more harm than good. You can’t get over you ex fast enough so you want to find someone who reminds you of him, or who is nothing like him, so you can do this quickly and move on with your life. Obviously, your standards for choosing a new romance are questionable. They’re mostly centered around your ex, whether you admit it or not.
2. You End Up Using Someone
Because you’re in pain, you’d rather go for some other more “comfortable” emotion. Anything that lifts that burden from you will do, even if it’s someone who might be completely wrong for you. It’s not the other person who matters anymore, but what he or she can do to help you deal with the pain. Using someone as an analgesic seems fine, until you’re done using that person and guilt sets in.
A rebound relationship is not going to help much if you’re still a mess, or if you still have not dealt with your pain on your own.
What I’d do after a break up, or after I finally accept that there’s no hope for the relationship anymore, is to go to the parlor and get a makeover.
Or, I would simply cry it out.
I know it sounds pathetic but I still think it’s a lot better than using someone to ease the pain (even if that person is more than willing to provide the “service”). Be fair to yourself and the other person.
How to Set Up the First Date? A Guide for Girls
Hey ladies, today we’re talking about the first date… or that first meet-up with a man you’ve already met previously in another environment (online dating, a friend’s party, at school, at a nightclub etc.).
Technically, this is the “second” time you’re meeting the guy, but it’s the first time you’re seeing him in a setting that you both planned, and without all your friends (and his) around.
If you’ve known the guy forever but you’ve never interacted with him romantically, this can be your first “real” date.
Typically, how the first date goes is planned by the guy, but that does not mean the girl can’t provide input on where the first date should be. From experience, I can say that the environment where you meet the guy for the first time will determine how successful the date will be.
First Date Ideas – Where to Take Him on Your First Date
I know I talked about how much of a turn-off it is to meet a guy who says “I dunno. What do you want to do?” during the first date planning stage, but it’s not fair to simply leave the planning to the guy, particularly if he’s a complete stranger. Read on for some ideas on how to set up the first date with a guy…
1. Coffee + Something Else
Meeting up at a coffee shop makes sense. There’s comfortable seating and you have something to do while waiting for your date to show up (if he’s late and you’re early, or vice versa). This is an ideal meeting place if you’re meeting someone from online, or a guy you didn’t interact with before your meeting.
But the thing is, the date should not start and end inside the cafe.
Seating across your date with a table in front of you can help both of you relax. For a few minutes (30 minutes max) just sip coffee and talk about anything. Use the time to get to know the guy and steer the direction of the conversation toward your next destination or activity. You can go to the movies, the arcade, the park or a good restaurant.
2. Go for A Walk
There are several ways of planning a “walking date”. You can go to a beach resort where there’s a safe parking spot for your car, then walk along the seashore barefoot with your date. You can bring water in a canteen or you can stop every once in a while to buy drinks. What’s important is that you can enjoy the walk together. Tell him to wear flip flops and you can wear your Havaianas.
If you’re in an urban area, there’s plenty of opportunities to manage that “walking date”. Wear comfy shoes and ask him to go with you on your errands (make it clear that you’re not doing any serious shopping or he’s likely to flake on you).
Walking leisurely will make both of you feel like you’ve been dating for a while.
Just being together and falling into step with him can build rapport. He’s forced to walk slower, or you’re forced to walk a little faster, which will make both of you feel like you’re really getting a taste of what it’s like to spend time together.
Make sure you’re not carrying something in both hands so you can hold hands whenever you want.
Relationship Tips for Guys: What Women Want From Men
Generalizing what a woman wants from a man is not easy. Most women think differently and it takes a lot of intuition on your part to really understand what a woman’s thinking. Some women will say they want men who can protect them (like Prince Charming, or some knight from a fairytale). Some will say they want men who will treat them as an equal.
Asking a girl directly will only confuse you, so don’t. However, there is a way to find out what a woman wants from you by taking a closer look at how she tests you.
What are these relationship tests?
Relationship tests come in various forms. They can be the loaded questions that a woman asks on your first date, or they can be the small “pretty-please” favors that a girl asks of you.
Whatever they are, they tell of what the girl you’re with really wants in a boyfriend.
For example…
1. She wants to know if you are a pushover.
Most women are looking for boyfriends, but they can’t pass up the men who are so willing to be their slaves. Can you imagine having a personal “bottomless” purse following you around in a shopping mall or buying you drinks in a bar? That’s the kind of slavery I’m talking about.
The women see these men as “guy friends” who can be used. Not that women WANT to use them, but these guys make girls feel that it’s their pleasure to be of service… so hey, who can resist?
Women will think of being with these men to a certain extent. As far as being practical goes, oh yeah definitely, these pushovers are a catch. But girls get bored of these men pretty quickly, particularly when these guys start demanding something back.
Remember, you want a woman to pursue you, fall in love with you and treat you like her king… you don’t want her to pity you or take you for granted because you let her walk all over you.
2. She wants to know if you can commit.
Monogamy becomes an issue when a girl suspects you’re a player. This line of thinking shows in the way she asks are-you-a-player questions.
For instance, a woman asks, “How come you don’t have a girlfriend? Can’t you commit?”
You can say “I’ll commit when I find the right girl.”
Saying it this way is like killing two birds with one stone. First, you’re telling her you’re capable of commitment. Second, you’re making her wonder if she’s the “right girl” you’re talking about.
3. She wants to know if you can be trusted.
More specifically, she wants to know if you’re going to hit on her best friend when she’s not looking.
To test you, a girl will concoct some weird “what if” scenarios like … a threesome between you, her and another girl. Whatever you do, just say no.
Even if you secretly want to do her friend, just say you “will never do it”.
Trust is an issue in most relationships, and a girl will only really let herself fall for you if you show that you can be trusted.
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