What Does It Mean to Stop Being Judgmental in a Relationship

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Being judgmental is one of the things that may be keeping you from really connecting with your partner. I know because I’ve been judged and have also done my own share of judging in the past. Being judgmental can keep you from seeing the big picture, which includes spending the rest of your life with your love, and accepting him or her completely.

Here are some of the things we can do to stop this negative attitude.

Stop Putting Your Partner in a Labelled Box

Your partner has revealed everything that happened to him or her in the past, which makes it easy to put him or her in a neat little box with a label. These labels may include “jerk”, “playboy/playgirl”, “gambling problem”, “immoral” and other labels that change how you see your partner. Not everything is in black and white, and what applies to other people may not apply to your partner. The people you knew belonged to a certain category may also have been unrightfully judged, but you cannot do anything about that because that’s just the way you think.

However, make an exception for your partner and truly understand that he or she may have made some mistakes in the past to warrant that judgment, but past mistakes don’t define who he or she is.

After all, each of use has a unique way of dealing with our problems and have done many things that may seem rash and immoral to others.

Give your partner a chance to change.

Giving your partner the opportunity to change for the better is the “action” part of your goal to become less judgmental and more accepting of your partner’s personality. This is extremely difficult if you’ve already decided that you know what your partner is and what he or she is capable of doing. But your partner may prove you wrong, and you should open your mind to the possibility that he or she may act in a manner that is different from what you expect.

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Is Compatibility All That Matters?

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Most people think searching for the most compatible partner is the key to having a successful relationship. I had this mindset for a long time, which probably contributed a lot to my “player” attitude. I would base what you would call compatibility on a lot of factors like common interests, status, level of maturity etc.

While embracing this frame of mind isn’t bad at all (everyone has to have a baseline, a standard that they refer to when searching for “the one”)… I realize now that REAL, long-term compatibility needs more than a few similarities and great rapport initially. In fact, if we’re going to be technical about it, we can say that real, long-term compatibility might not even exit. At all.

The reason I think so is this… people grow.

We evolve and we develop, whether we’re inside the relationship or not. And the couples who can’t deal with these CHANGES in each other end up thinking they’re “incompatible”, or that they made the wrong choice. How many times have you thought “this isn’t the guy I fell in love with” or “you’re like a stranger to me” when thinking of your partner (during a fight, or while you’re feeling emotional)?

It’s easy to say that your partner might have kept his true self hidden all the while, which will result to your feeling betrayed whenever you see traits or characteristics that he hasn’t shown in the past. But, it could also be that those traits were developed, or may have even resulted from the kind of environment he has been exposed to during the time you were together and elsewhere (in his workplace etc.). Regardless of where these “strange” behavior came from, you have to adjust to whatever changes… and embrace your OWN changes.

So who’s going to compromise more? Should it ALWAYS be you? Nope. It should be a joint effort. As long as you both understand that real compatibility is all about dealing with changes in personality and lifestyle, you should be ok.

Think of it as “tandem swimming” (or swimming with your hands linked together)… you either keep each other afloat or moving forward by working together to be really COMPATIBLE, or you pull each other down with your REFUSAL to be compatible. That is, your refusal to accept that your partner (and you) can “change” at any point in your relationship.

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Bickering – a Sign of Communication Problems in a Relationship

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Most couples bicker all the time. Sometimes, not a day goes by that bickering does not happen. Does this mean bickering is healthy? Or could frequently engaging in this activity lead to a fight, which in turn could lead to a break up?

Is Bickering Healthy?

Whether bickering is healthy or not is up for debate, but from experience, I can say that bickering is normal.
Let’s face it, if you have been with a person for a long time and you’ve started to find romantic moments cheesy and scarcer than a blue moon, the rhythm of your conversations change.

Change in the way you talk to each other isn’t exactly a bad thing, though. It indicates that you’ve gone past the mushy, lovey-dovey stage and settled down to a “real relationship”. Now, you can talk about anything and everything, and snoring in your sleep isn’t supposed to turn the other person off anymore.

Bickering is good when it takes on a fun form… BANTER.

The dictionary meaning of banter is “lighthearted teasing or amusing remarks that are exchanged between people”. When you exchange banter with your partner, you’re confident that he or she won’t take offense because you really don’t mean any. It also demonstrates that you know your partner’s strong and weak points, and that you’re not touching any of the seriously sore spots.

But banter could turn bad (and evolve into a full-fledged BICKER) if…

… stress has been building all day for one or both partners (meaning, neither is in the mood for playful swordplay).

… your remarks are “loaded” (you try, unsuccessfully, to coat your serious complaints and verbal attacks in jokes thinking you can soften the blow).

The thing is, no exchange of playful banter will sound right if there’s something deeply wrong with the way you communicate with your partner. In this case, every exchange becomes a fight, and every remark is taken seriously. That’s when bickering turns bad, and becomes the wick to the bomb that could blow up your relationship.

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How to Truly Move On from a Heartbreak

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The past can negatively affect your present, but not if you keep moving forward and using the lessons you learned from past experiences to improve your life ahead. Here are some recommendations you can follow if your intention is to stop living in the past and start living in the present. Here are some ways to move on.

Identify and Deal With the Causes of Dissatisfaction

Dissatisfaction can be crop up in the strangest way. You may suddenly have difficulty keeping up with your various obligations. You may feel that there’s something missing, or you’re missing out on things just by being the way you are and living as you always have. Out of the blue, you may feel envious of your best friend’s success in one aspect of his or her life, such as marriage, career or family life. You feel that you have less, and others have more.

Everyone feels this way at some point, but if this feeling takes over all else more often than normal, you need to identify what’s causing your dissatisfaction. Letting causes of dissatisfaction fester in your brain could stop you from living your dreams. Moreover, these could keep you from building good relationships with others.

Simple but Relevant Change

When we talk about changes, grand scenarios come to mind. Not everyone can manage an overhaul, especially if finances are tight and life right now is comfortable for you. Change can be as simple as getting a haircut or getting a new hobby. Relevant change means you’re doing something that you have not done before, and you make this a part of your routine.

Throw away your clutter at home or clean out your desk in the office. Get rid of as much junk as you can, especially if you have no more need for them. Re-invent yourself. Look for a new job. Make friends with the neighbor you’ve always ignored in the past. Many of us have no idea that small things like these could make a great impact. Shifting your perception of yourself and of others could represent the biggest change in your life right now. And, surprisingly, enough of these small changes can help you stop living in the past.

Forgive Others and Yourself

Forgive an enemy (or an exlover) for a past slight, even if your pride won’t allow you to send an email to that person, shake his or her hand or make conversation. The act of letting a grudge go can be liberating, and that feeling will help you start over. Anger, bitterness and resentment are a part of the baggage you carry around all the time, which could be hampering your success.

At the same time, you must forgive yourself for your past behavior. There may be things you did in the past that haunt you until now. If you can accept that what you did was wrong, you’re more able to find out what to do in the future to avoid making the same mistakes.

Image courtesy of Witthaya at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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How to Mature Inside a Relationship

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Growing up inside a relationship with a partner could mean a lot of things. But if you hear this phrase again, and you decide to take it constructively this time, what would you do to really “grow up” as a person and as a lover?

I’ve been told “grow up” more than a few times in the past, and if you’ve heard these words before, you probably felt what I felt. First, you feel humiliated at being treated like a kid (just because you have been acting like one). Then, you think it was said out of spite. Whatever made the other person irritated enough to say that phrase, here are some tips on how to “grow up” inside a relationship…

Avoid Excessive Jealousy

Your partner’s time, attention and affection are not yours alone. If you really think about it, you liked your partner because of the things he or she does to make a difference in the world. At least, if you entered a committed relationship for the right reasons. Growing up together means being willing to share your partner’s time with others and revel in the fact that your partner will always make time for you, no matter how busy his or her day is.

Take Responsibility for Your Actions

Saying “it was the booze talking” is truly juvenile. Trust me, there are still some forty-something people who dare say ‘I only talk like this when I’m drunk’. Even losing your head and getting too angry to control your actions should never be used as excuses. You did what you did because you wanted it. It wasn’t anyone else’s fault. And, it’s certainly not the fault of some bubbly liquid that gives you buzz.

Your Perspective, Not the World, is What’s Wrong

You’re not a psychologically powerless animal that thrives on instinct alone. Have you ever dreamed of changing the world? You can do that easily right now by changing your perspective. If things are not going well, your convictions and your ability to adapt your perspective to the situation will be your strength. The same goes in relationships. You may not be able to change your partner’s mind or control your partner’s actions, but you can do a lot to manipulate how YOU react to the situation.

If being too mature or too “old” inside your relationship is too tedious, there are more than a dozen of ways to let loose and be a kid again without embarrassing yourself with your immaturity. No one will learn how to mature because we’re all learning something new each day, especially inside a relationship, but making the right decisions when the situation calls for it is a good way to mature bit by bit.

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Rebound From a Breakup Quickly – 3 Tips

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After a breakup, you may feel like you’ve lost a part of yourself. It may take a while before you recover. But while you’re wallowing in self-pity, people that care for you are tormented with worry. Snap out of it and start living your life again!

Here are some tips on how to get over a broken heart.

Be Good to Yourself

You know you’ve lost sleep and have not been eating a lot while you were worrying about your break up and your ex’s feelings towards you. So, the first step to being emotionally independent is to be physically fit to tackle all the challenges that will come your way, whether these are related to your job or to your personal life. After a few months, you should be eating better, exercising and taking your vitamins to make up for what you’ve lost in the past.

Doing all these will help you improve your stamina, give you more confidence boost, make you more attractive to the opposite sex, and keep you motivated to go to work. You must have heard of people who got seriously sick after a break up. This isn’t entirely impossible. You could fall into depression and seriously hurt yourself if you do not take steps to prevent your body from breaking down.

Grieve.

The worst thing about dealing with heartbreak is pretending you don’t care. You DO care and you know it. Do not make the mistake of convincing yourself that you’re OK if you’re really not. Allow yourself to grieve and accept the way things are by crying and confiding on someone you trust. You can show the world that you’re already over your ex, but you don’t have to hide the truth from yourself when you’re alone or when you’re with a trusted friend.

If you follow the tips above, you can rebound from breakup. But there is one more thing you have to remember when you’re trying to get over your ex…. It’s this: avoid contacting with your ex. Being friends with your ex is ok, but only when all your emotional wounds have healed. Meeting him or her will just re-open the old issues and will make you do things that are completely senseless (like having sex with him or her again). If you’re tempted to call your ex, stop yourself or let your friends hold your cell phone. If you realize that you’re finding excuses to drop by (like when you have to pick up old clothes and other stuff you left behind), make sure a friend is with you to keep you from lingering around your ex lover.

Meet New People

If playing the field is not your style, you can still mingle with other people to feed your need to socialize. The more people you meet, the more likely you will find someone you can date in the future. For now, however, concentrate on making friends and don’t try to get into a rebound relationship. You may feel like another relationship is crucial for you to feel alive again, but be warned… a rebound relationship will only mess up your efforts to forget all about your ex.

Why? Loving someone else when you’re not fully healed can make you feel desperate and needy. Your neediness will stem from your memory of being left alone and thrown aside. Your self esteem isn’t strong at the moment and you’ll end up suffocating your new lover.

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Should You Try to Change Your Partner?

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Is it possible to change your partner? Everyone is capable of change, especially when the incentive is good. A new relationship should be enough incentive for a person to mend his or her ways and start thinking about settling down. Even if a guy or a girl is “great” as is, there are always things that he or she can change, hopefully for the better.

Change is Not a Priority, Initially

We don’t usually enter relationships thinking of change. After all, the first few months or years are still a part of the honeymoon phase, where you show your best side and vice versa. But a long term relationship will expose you to the bad side of your partner. Soon enough, you find yourself whining about this or that habit, and bickering starts. No matter how compatible you are, there are small things that will irk you, and even make you question your feelings for your partner. Whether or not you accept that side doesn’t stop you from expecting an upgrade, whether in the other person’s perspective in your new life or personality traits.

Is Love Strong Enough to Change a Person?

Wanting to please you may be enough motivation for a person to want to change. A person’s traits and viewpoints are products of experiences, habits and environment. To expect a person to change as soon as possible is asking too much. The most you can expect is for your partner to humor you this one time, do what you want, and then gradually revert back to his or her old habits when you’re not looking. Change is only permanent when the person decides that changing is the best thing he or she can do for himself or herself. He or she must want to change for the better. The motivation to change should come from the person not from you.

Is Your Partner Self-Aware Enough?

Although nothing can stop you from voicing your opinions, expecting to change your partner drastically is impossible. A person usually knows his or her limitations, the depth of which depends on how self-aware the person is. But you can bet that the person has received feedback in the past from other people, and from you, and he or she knows which points he or she is weak at. Self-awareness is key to change. Unless the person understands what “change” means, and what it would entail, expect the upgrade in perspective or attitude to come after a long time.

Maybe You’re Not Compatible?

A relationship starts to fall apart when incompatibilities crop up. The initial compatibility wasn’t simply a delusion on your part, but true compatibility means compromising and adjusting to your partner’s quirks.

It is difficult to admit that whether your partner changes or not is not up to you. It’s one of the things you can’t control at all.

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Waxing Poetic About Love