Getting Dumped and Being a Good Sport About It
By · CommentsI grew up listening to a coach lecturing me daily about sportsmanship, yet I still find myself wondering how I can go from saying “give it your all” over and over inside my head, to saying “hey, congratulations, you’re the better player” when the competition ends and I didn’t win.
“But this has to be how you handle a loss”, says the coach to the sixth grader who refuses to go to school because she lost the school elections the other day, “You have to stand up, shake your opponent’s hand and stay optimistic for the next competition. If you don’t consider yourself a winner after you’ve given it your all, then you really have lost.”
Sorry, dad, but even as I nodded in agreement and prepared a speech to congratulate the winner… I still plotted bloody torture behind my smile! Needless to say, I never learned how to be a good sport until I began playing the Game of Love (i.e. started having lovey-dovey relationships with the opposite sex).
That’s when I really learned something about being a good sport….
You know about the 4 stages of grieving, right? Denial, anger, bitterness and acceptance…
You have to go through all these after you learn that something you have worked so hard for is gone. And you have to do it in ONE minute.
Consider this scenario…
Your ex: “We’re over”
You: “…”
(one minute passes)
Your ex: “sorry”
You: “Sure, no hard feelings. Friends?”
Ideally, that’s what’s supposed to happen. Somehow you have to put a lid on your anger and bitterness, and show the other person that you’re fine with the decision, you’re not mad, you gave it your best shot but sadly it didn’t work out etc.
You have to delay your “anger reflex” to be a good sport.
Let’s face it. You get angry when you lose; angry at yourself, at the other person, at fate… You are so mad that you can chomp down on a pencil and break it.
The same thing happens when you get dumped. You want to scream out your frustration and let all your emotions roll out like Pandora’s socks. But you don’t because you must show your ex that you’re fine, you’ll be fine, you’re not going to fly off the handle, and that you’re a good sport about the whole break up thing.
Simply put, you must LIE to your ex and to yourself until you’re all alone and no one can see you bawl your eyes out
Lying is bad. Lying is more than bad, it’s evil.
But if you have to lie to save your pride while you’re picking up the pieces of your shattered heart, it may be worth it. In a sense, being a good sport after a break up means lying through your teeth about your real feelings and making your next words seem believable (or at the very least, civil).
Here’s another cliche for you to flood your brain with during the break up: “It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all” (Alfred Lord Tennyson)
Real Freedom: How to Break Up With Your Ex
By · CommentsIf this were a conventional post on break ups, the title would be something like “how to break up with a boyfriend”… but no, this is all about breaking up with an Ex-boyfriend, a.k.a. the final stage of letting go. Read on…
Losing a relationship means you’re dealing with TWO break ups… one that happens between you and your boyfriend, and one that happens inside your head.
The first one might have happened, but you could still be miles away from the second. Here are some questions to help you figure out if you’re in your “second” break up stage…
- Years or months after a relationship, are you still yearning for the guy you split with, regardless of who initiated the break up?
- Do you measure each guy you meet according to the standards set by your ex?
- Are you totally convinced that “you will never find someone as wonderful as your ex-boyfriend”?
If your answer to the above questions amounts to a resounding “yes”, here are some ideas on how you can finally break free from the chains that bind you to your now-defunct relationship.
1. Accept that you will always have a girly crush on your ex.
You are grieving, sure, but this doesn’t mean you have to repeat the mantra you’ve been telling yourself for years… “he is the only one for me”. Doing this will really mess up your resolve to let go. Inadvertently, you’re training yourself to continue to long for him. It’s way too easy to mistake infatuation or hero worship for true love. If you hooked up with a guy who has everything you wanted (or, thought you wanted) in a guy, but the relationship did not work out, you can keep the admiration but let go of the illusion that you’re meant to be.
With any luck, you can soon walk up to him and say “you’re so hot, I’m so proud to be your ex” and mean it.
2. Do not put him on a pedestal.
The fact is, he isn’t a demigod. It’s just that you were never exposed to his weaknesses. That your relationship didn’t flourish means you never reached that point in which you and your guy can open up all aspects of your respective personalities to each other. Longing for him means you miss his company, which is normal. However, making him the epitome of the perfect guy could be the one thing that’s keeping you from living your life to the fullest.
How to Stop Being a Jealous, Paranoid Girlfriend
By · CommentsThe last Entourage episode gave me the creeps. In particular, the break up scene when Eric called his gf (now ex-GF) crazy for asking to look at his emails, viewing his phone call history and listening to his voice mail. The whole scene… from the time the girl accused her BF of infidelity without any solid evidence, to the scene when she said “you’re a liar” when the guy has been nothing but sincere with her.
Why was I creeped out? Because at one point in the past, I was like that. Yep, the green-eyed monster reared its ugly head whenever a boyfriend would so much as look at another girl. I was told I have a scary “angry-stare”, and I know a few girls who might have felt like I wanted to maul them when they so much as touch the tip of my boyfriend’s fingernail.
This post is all about how I moved out from the crazy, jealous, paranoid girl mentality to a somewhat-secure, still-crazy, mature woman.
Is it really all about insecurity?
It’s easy to say a jealous girlfriend has a lot of insecurities inside her skull which contributes to her paranoia, but I think there’s another factor involved… relationship experience.
You’re bound to be the jealous type if your old boyfriend was very jealous. Let’s face it, no one really knows how to make a relationship work on the first try, and we somehow rely on our partner to help us establish a relationship pattern. I mean, you put together an idea of what a ‘perfect relationship’ should be based on what you experienced in the past. Your friends might also have contributed to your notion of how to run relationships. Girls share what they know with their gal pals and they learn the ropes together. It’s like the blind leading the blind until someone actually stumbles on some golden nuggets of relationship advice.
How to Stop Being a Crazy, Paranoid Girlfriend During the Initial Stages of Your Relationship? – Two Suggestions
1. Give Him a “Grace Period”
It will take a while before the ‘couple’ switch in his brain activates, so it won’t do any good to force him to change instantly. Some men won’t instantly change his lifestyle just because they have a girlfriend.
If you begin your dating life with the thought that your partner SHOULD automatically shut off other women from his life just because he already has a girlfriend, you’re setting yourself up for a heartbreak every time reality tells you this is not the case. He may still go out with his friends to meet women, still flirt with his hot office mate and still go to places where single men hang out. If you get jealous every time one or all of these things happen, your first months together will become very rocky and stressful.
2. Value His Privacy
Reading someone else’s mail is a no-no, even if that guy is your boyfriend and you’re only glancing at his mail. Some couples exchange email passwords to show that they trust each other… bad idea. My wake up call came when Libra Guy told me in his usual no-nonsense way that giving his heart to me does not mean he no longer has the right to his own privacy.
Even if you don’t mind showing your mail to your boyfriend, don’t ask to see his. To most men (and to most people), getting their mail opened by another person is the psychological equivalent of another person wearing their undies without permission or another person watching them while they do their business inside the toilet.
One last thing…. being paranoid or jealous is STRESSFUL, which won’t do anything for your looks. So, quit.
Emotional Maturity: How to Make a Playboy Commit
By · CommentsRecently, I described the traits of a playboy and why women find them attractive. Since that time, I’ve been contemplating the other side of the coin.In short, I’ve been thinking about that mysterious grey area between being bad and being too nice. Are these so-called “players” really intent on keeping the bad boy persona, or is it something that’s out of their control?
Note that I’m talking about a quality ‘bad boy’ here… the type that can be considered a great catch — with a good career, his sense of propriety is in place, he adores women too much (way too much!) to hurt them physically… and NOT the type that’s too far gone in the delusion of alcohol- or drug-induced coolness.
Frankly, I believe these traits can be a put on, considering the fact that most people think ‘nice guys finish last’. However, I also think that the whole “playboy attitude” is a bind that these men are in because some other factors are in play. Here’s one of these factors:
The Maturity Stage He’s in When You Met Him
Parents have this dream about starting off their kids right so that they will make something of themselves in the future. As their son’s growing up, he shows traits of being a leader, a progressive thinker and a successful entrepreneur. But at 30, he still isn’t in a relationship and his idea of a weekend trip is still splurging his hard-earned cash on a “flirt-all-you-can” weekend trip to babeland.
The “mature, responsible adult mindset” is something that we know about, but it’s getting to that frame of mind that’s tricky. If you met him during a crucial stage in his life, i.e. he’s OK career-wise, but he’s enjoying his bachelor life too much to think of a future with one girl and a few kids, you have a choice…
You can wait it out, or you can give him an ultimatum.
Option 1: Wait it out
The fact is, he may tell you he loves you, but at this time, he loves himself more.
However, if he’s worth it, and if you love him enough, you can go with the flow and let him wear himself out. Time flies, even for those who have a habit of “living in the moment”. Eventually, he’ll wake up and realize that he’s not young anymore, and he feels hollow just thinking about one-night-stands and hang overs. He might just look around and discover that you’re there (you’ve always been there) waiting patiently for that “OMG, I want to settle down” moment to come.
If you agree that pitching your tent outside his bachelor’s pad is the best way to catch him, you might want to read my post on how to tame a bad boy.
But beware… some men never outgrow this ‘immature’ phase, and you might be waiting for nothing.
Option 2: Give him an ultimatum
Saying “this isn’t working, you can clean up your act now, or spend your life without me” to a guy you really like is PAINFUL, but it’s a stand you have to take if you want to force him into the relationship mindset. Remember, the more time you spend with a guy who’s wishy-washy about committing, the more you’re falling for his charm and his promises.
If you take this road, be ready to move on without him. Here’s a classic line you can use on this type of guy “Call me when you’ve grown up. If I’m still available, we can date again.”
