The Fade Out – Easiest Way to Let Go of an Almost-Relationship
Before we discuss what a fade out is and why this ‘tactic’ is more common than we realize, let’s discuss what an ‘almost-relationship’ is. We all know that a love relationship can only begin when both parties are on the same page. Both the guy and the girl understand that there’s something between them that’s worth pursuing.
If only one partner thinks the connection is real and could last longer, it’s an ‘almost-relationship’. If both parties are in it for the ride, while knowing that it would end soon enough, the couple is in an ‘almost-relationship’. In simple terms, it’s a fling.
Now, on to the fade out….
Here are some situations that can be called a fade out…
- He goes on vacation (to a place where there is no way to contact him or he’d be too busy to contact anyone), but says he will call as soon as he gets back. He never calls back even when his facebook wall is filled with chatter about his return to the city.
- She tells the guy she enjoyed the date, but after a week of no communication, she’s suddenly up to her neck in paperwork or school work, and is too busy to even return a text message.
A person would sooner fade into the background and hope the other person does not notice, than own up to his or her actions. People who take the coward’s way out of a relationship are normally iffy about hurting others, not that they care about the other person’s feelings. They just are not ready for all the emotional outburts and the feeling of guilt.
Why is a fade out the easiest way to break up a relationship that never really started?
Simply put, there’s less drama. She doesn’t need to tell the guy that she was bored with him, or that she isn’t interested. He does not need to explain why he cannot have a serious girlfriend at the moment, or why he is still flirting with other women even after they had a “connection”.
The worst thing about a fade out is…
A rejection, especially one that is not explained in any way, can mess with someone’s head. Why was he so warm that night but so cold afterward? Why did she say she likes me but never picks up the phone when I call? Was he lying when he said the sex was good for him too? The questions are endless.
If you have never attempted a fade out in the past, good for you. You’re obviously a straightforward person, regardless of the consequences.
How to Mature Inside a Relationship
Growing up inside a relationship with a partner could mean a lot of things. But if you hear this phrase again, and you decide to take it constructively this time, what would you do to really “grow up” as a person and as a lover?
I’ve been told “grow up” more than a few times in the past, and if you’ve heard these words before, you probably felt what I felt. First, you feel humiliated at being treated like a kid (just because you have been acting like one). Then, you think it was said out of spite. Whatever made the other person irritated enough to say that phrase, here are some tips on how to “grow up” inside a relationship…
Avoid Excessive Jealousy
Your partner’s time, attention and affection are not yours alone. If you really think about it, you liked your partner because of the things he or she does to make a difference in the world. At least, if you entered a committed relationship for the right reasons. Growing up together means being willing to share your partner’s time with others and revel in the fact that your partner will always make time for you, no matter how busy his or her day is.
Take Responsibility for Your Actions
Saying “it was the booze talking” is truly juvenile. Trust me, there are still some forty-something people who dare say ‘I only talk like this when I’m drunk’. Even losing your head and getting too angry to control your actions should never be used as excuses. You did what you did because you wanted it. It wasn’t anyone else’s fault. And, it’s certainly not the fault of some bubbly liquid that gives you buzz.
Your Perspective, Not the World, is What’s Wrong
You’re not a psychologically powerless animal that thrives on instinct alone. Have you ever dreamed of changing the world? You can do that easily right now by changing your perspective. If things are not going well, your convictions and your ability to adapt your perspective to the situation will be your strength. The same goes in relationships. You may not be able to change your partner’s mind or control your partner’s actions, but you can do a lot to manipulate how YOU react to the situation.
If being too mature or too “old” inside your relationship is too tedious, there are more than a dozen of ways to let loose and be a kid again without embarrassing yourself with your immaturity. No one will truly be mature because we’re all learning something new each day, especially inside a relationship, but making the right decisions when the situation calls for it is a good way to mature bit by bit.
Bickering – a Sign of Communication Problems in a Relationship
Most couples bicker all the time. Sometimes, not a day goes by that bickering does not happen. Does this mean bickering is healthy? Or could frequently engaging in this activity lead to a fight, which in turn could lead to a break up?
Is Bickering Healthy?
Whether bickering is healthy or not is up for debate, but from experience, I can say that bickering is normal.
Let’s face it, if you have been with a person for a long time and you’ve started to find romantic moments cheesy and scarcer than a blue moon, the rhythm of your conversations change.
Change in the way you talk to each other isn’t exactly a bad thing, though. It indicates that you’ve gone past the mushy, lovey-dovey stage and settled down to a “real relationship”. Now, you can talk about anything and everything, and snoring in your sleep isn’t supposed to turn the other person off anymore.
Bickering is good when it takes on a fun form… BANTER.
The dictionary meaning of banter is “lighthearted teasing or amusing remarks that are exchanged between people”. When you exchange banter with your partner, you’re confident that he or she won’t take offense because you really don’t mean any. It also demonstrates that you know your partner’s strong and weak points, and that you’re not touching any of the seriously sore spots.
But banter could turn bad (and evolve into a full-fledged BICKER) if…
… stress has been building all day for one or both partners (meaning, neither is in the mood for playful swordplay).
… your remarks are “loaded” (you try, unsuccessfully, to coat your serious complaints and verbal attacks in jokes thinking you can soften the blow).
The thing is, no exchange of playful banter will sound right if there’s something deeply wrong with the way you communicate with your partner. In this case, every exchange becomes a fight, and every remark is taken seriously. That’s when bickering turns bad, and becomes the wick to the bomb that could blow up your relationship.
What if He Had a Gay Lover?
One of the things that make a woman toss and turn at night is infidelity. Several what-if scenarios come to mind, but the mother of all infidelity nightmares is this… your man having a gay lover, whether in the past or in the future.
But is it really that bad? It’s not so bad. The concept of homosexuality is not uncommon, but few people understand how a heterosexual man could go for another of his kind when there are women around. Some people shrug it off as being bisexual, a slave to passion (and pleasure), or “having no other choice”. I think it goes deeper than that.
Bestfriend Moments
As girls, we have best gal pals we can run to for advice or for company whenever we want. Men have those, too. In fact, it’s safe to say that men understand each other and know how to deal with hang ups together just like girls. They have their “bestfriend moments” and sometimes things go deeper.
Don’t Force the Regret on Him
What I’m saying is that your boyfriend may not be living with regret at having been in love with a guy in the past, and your role is not to force the regret on him. In fact, be open-minded enough to treat his past relationship with a man (I’m not saying “gay guy”… a “man”) as something that’s special to him.
The whole homophobic world may have judged him over it already, so don’t add to it by saying “are you the gay one or was he the gay one” like it’s a bad thing. If the experience was special to him, it shouldn’t be something that he has to be ashamed of.
Will He Ever Do it Again (with a Man)?
This is the same as asking “is he gay because he had a gay lover”? The correct answer to that is up for debate, but my position on that has something to do with my definition of what ‘universal love’ is. Let me explain…
Out of curiosity, I asked an open-minded guy once about falling in love with another man. He said, “if a person makes me feel special and I can be myself around that person, I won’t take his being a man against him”. What we can get from that is we can fall in love with someone for various reasons, and the matter of gender only becomes an issue if we take what society (and religion) mandates seriously.
In conclusion, people fall in love with people. It’s not all about sexual preference. Most of the time, it’s about emotional compatibility. Love, the universal, all-encompassing type, is a beautiful thing that can happen between two individuals. It shouldn’t be boxed up into categories like “homo” and “hetero”.
Why Rebound Relationships Rarely Work
How many times have you seen one of your friends break up with a long-term partner only to find, the very next week, someone is absolutely wrong for them? It’s a break up phenomenon we call rebound dating.
The idea of rebound relationships is an instinct we develop because of the usual way we deal with getting hurt. We need comfort ASAP. It’s too painful so we need something that soothes us. It’s like we’re looking for a way to comfort ourselves after we’ve been hurt.
Three Reasons Why Rebound Dating Doesn’t work
It just seems natural to look for another romance right after a breakup. That’s emotional comfort food for you, but there are so many reasons why doing this is WRONG.
1. You’re in a Daze
Choosing a partner when your judgment is still cloudy usually does more harm than good. You can’t get over you ex fast enough so you want to find someone who reminds you of him, or who is nothing like him, so you can do this quickly and move on with your life. Obviously, your standards for choosing a new romance are questionable. They’re mostly centered around your ex, whether you admit it or not.
2. You End Up Using Someone
Because you’re in pain, you’d rather go for some other more “comfortable” emotion. Anything that lifts that burden from you will do, even if it’s someone who might be completely wrong for you. It’s not the other person who matters anymore, but what he or she can do to help you deal with the pain. Using someone as an analgesic seems fine, until you’re done using that person and guilt sets in.
A rebound relationship is not going to help much if you’re still a mess, or if you still have not dealt with your pain on your own.
What I’d do after a break up, or after I finally accept that there’s no hope for the relationship anymore, is to go to the parlor and get a makeover.
Or, I would simply cry it out.
I know it sounds pathetic but I still think it’s a lot better than using someone to ease the pain (even if that person is more than willing to provide the “service”). Be fair to yourself and the other person.
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