A quote from last night’s rerun of CSI Miami stuck to my mind before I went to sleep. In the tv series, one woman lost her ex-husband and, while he was the woman-beating S.O.B that he is, she felt sad at his death. Horacio Kane said something like “The memories weren’t all bad were they?”, and when the woman said “yes”, he said “We hang on to that”.

When a relationship ends, we feel a certain loss, regardless of the nature of the relationship. The world is a big place and meeting people that we can connect with is hard. Not all relationships last for a lifetime, but every single one of them leaves us with memories that will haunt us for the rest of our lives.

One friend once said “I don’t want to fall in love. There is no assurance that it will last. I’m a pathetic person who fears pain.” That may be true. A chunk of emotional investment is laid on the line in every relationship we enter. In most cases, the regrets that follow a failed relationship stem from grieving for the feelings we invested.

In the haze of all the regrets and misgivings for those people we lost or those who have left us, we must always remember how, at one point, we actually felt really happy with them.

For everyone who has loved and lost that love, rediscovering the memories is like remembering that dream that ended in a vague but memorable note. Why is it that we touch some people only once but they remain with us forever? Is there a way to insulate ourselves from these people who affect us ever so deeply, but subtlely, that we only discover their value after we lose them?

I don’t know which truth is harder to bear: to know that you almost kept that person with you forever or to be happy that the he/she left you with just a haunting memory and did not stay long enough to really hurt you.

If you have ever been almost totally in love with a person, this excerpt of P. Neruda’s poem is for you:

I have forgotten your voice, your happy voice; I have forgotten
your eyes.

Like a flower to its perfume, I am bound to my vague memory of
you. I live with pain that is like a wound; if you touch me, you will
do me irreparable harm.

Your caresses enfold me, like climbing vines on melancholy walls.
I have forgotten your love, yet I seem to glimpse you in every
window.

We keep those we almost loved in our hearts where they belong, along with the sadness of what could have been.

In moments of rejection and dejection, this is the best thing to do.

Self loving isn’t a bad thing if it is done sparsely but meaningfully.Some people resort to retail therapy. I tried that once and I hated it. Spending so much on yourself and feeling great for a while, then going back home to feel just as empty as before. It’s not my thing.

I’ve hugged myself a lot of times in the past, just as I’m hugging myself now. Instead of craving for someone else’s comfort, why not start with yourself? You’re the only one who knows what you’re really feeling anyway. Play the ‘friendly advice’ game alone and try to work it out, before you seek other people’s sympathy.

Friends have their own problems too, and while all the greeting cards and stuffed animals in the world promote the “I will always be here for you” statement, this may not always be true. Listening to you while you’re ranting is a nice gesture, but expecting people to solve your problems for you is foolish. Friends can only supply a few drops of comfort to your empty glass, so you have to fill it halfway first on your own before others can pitch in.

Tell yourself that everything’s gonna be fine, and that the pain will go away soon. Hug tightly at times when the hurt becomes unbearable.

People see that you’re making an effort to pick up the pieces of your broken dreams, and they will volunteer to help. Just as long as you lead the campaign to make you feel well again. A leader is the loneliest person in any group, because he has to make the decisions alone in his mind, regardless of a consensus. This time, you are the head of a very important project: rebuilding your shattered hopes. When the captain starts the engines again, the crew will man the oars, and you will be well on your way to a brighter new beginning.
Holding a half-filled glass in your hands, you’re now ready to talk to people. Tell them how the glass was so empty before you poured tiny drops of self-love into it. Then you ask them “can you help me fill this up to the brim?” Someday, someone will come along and pour in an ocean of love that your glass of hope will be overflowing.

But for now, hug yourself.