Guy Friends. Those ultra-lovable, ultra-sexy men in our lives that are the epitome of our ideal. We know their game, they know ours. They are here when we need them, just like girl friends, but better in a way that they can coach us with first hand info on how their fellow guys think and act.

In a post I published last year, What About Lasting Friendships, I expressed my adamant warning to never play guy friends, ever. To quote:

These [guys] should all be off-limits in your hunting agenda. You will continue to associate with these people even after the game is over. Baptismals, weddings, funerals and simple business meetings or holiday events? he will always be there, looking at you (or pretending not to see you, depending on how it ended).

Listening to this song while reading the rest of this entry is recommended

How about if the love is real and playing the game isn’t even remotely in your mind? I’m going to take the guy-falls-for-girl example because I recently viewed Bobby’s post, which is frankly the first time I ever read a guy’s take on the friends to lovers situation. Guys take the hit harder than girls, it seems, and to me, it makes sense how girls can resent it when a guy friend falls hopelessly in love with her.

Boyfriends (the lover-types), for all their yumminess and cuddliness, can be the enemy at times. They mess up our minds, play with our emotions, take up hundreds of sleepless hours and oftentimes cause us to cry. Having one of them in our roster of loyal allies means we are stronger in morale, because somehow we have a valuable resource for inside info on men. We can confidently tell our guy friends our secrets, safely practice our moves on them without risking judgment… we are safe and we are loved, and we will never lose them because they will always be there.

See, guys, when you fall for the sweetest most lovable girl in the world and she happens to be your close friend, you might think you’re winning a prize…. but in her eyes, she’s losing a very valuable ally. You were designated in the friend-only category for a reason, and sometimes the reason is that she wants to keep you forever. Complicated?

Quite simple, really. Having a more-than-friends relationship means she might lose you, especially if it’s so painfully obvious that neither of you is ready to settle down. Suddenly, you have become the enemy. Being friends forever means never breaking up, never really losing touch. Love isn’t even an issue because she already loves you, just not in the way you want her to.

Ladies,

• Tired of making those pesky commitments to a man, only to find one that’s much more handsome, articulate and loaded?
• Feel the need to change your mind incessantly about what you want from a significant other?
• Do you just not feel quite ready for a full-fledged relationship but want to have someone around just in case things get dicey? Then step right up, buttercup! I’ll saddle your emotional burden for you!

Everyone has that one person that they dated, fooled around with or merely lied to to get in their respective pants. You know, the person you look back upon and say ,” Damn, I did some foul stuff to that guy/girl.” Well, now if you act fast, I can provide you with a service to alleviate all of that negativity in one fell swoop! Here is a small sampling of the services I bring to the table:

1. 24 hour call center. This is a very general service, including but not limited to: calling me up in tears because the other boys you are dating are making you stressed, the two to four times a month when you go out drinking and call me late at night to tell me you want to marry me then forget the whole thing the next day, calling to make sure I am at home while you are on your way out on a date and the bi-monthly random wig-out.
2. Ego stroking. Pretty much self-explanatory, you feel down, I’ll make sure to spoon with you, hold your hair as you vomit from too many girly drinks after a night out without me, tell you you’re pretty all the time, all so you can have that extra bit of confidence to go and talk to that hunky guy you’ve had your eye on down at the gym.
3. Emotional bomb squad. Now this is where I truly shine above the rest. Invite me over, have wild passionate sex with me, then tell me you don’t want to talk to me for a few days and that,” Oh yeah, I’ve been sleeping with my landlord to pay rent.” No problem! I will discretely and without inflicting further emotional trauma tell you I love you, give you a hug and leave 50 bucks on your dresser for your next night out er, I mean to help pay the rent. ( amount left on dresser open to negotiation )

These premium services are available upon request:

• Meeting your parents and telling them we’re just friends so that they won’t be disappointed.
• Helping you move. Helping you move into a new boyfriend’s apartment is for platinum subscribers only.
• Hanging out with your shallow, maladjusted, mainstream-oriented friends. Doing so in a cheesy club or bar is again for platinum accounts only.
• Taking you back time and time again, even though we both know it’s only until anything else comes along, and that it’s only so that you can feel better in the interim.

In short, you have lots of things on your mind (maybe). Why get yourself all confused with feelings of regret? Let me help you release all that party girl lifestyle in a comforting, positive environment. Get it all out now, so that you can move on to a heathy, constructive relationship right after you “dump” me. Let me be your practice boyfriend. Please, try my product.

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Woobie’s note: My guest for this post is Monkeychapps. In his own words, he is “just a hopeless romantic that has been burnt too many times and write as a form of therapy.” If he in any way made you smile, kindly subscribe to his feed. Or take him up on his offer.

:D