Ladies,

• Tired of making those pesky commitments to a man, only to find one that’s much more handsome, articulate and loaded?
• Feel the need to change your mind incessantly about what you want from a significant other?
• Do you just not feel quite ready for a full-fledged relationship but want to have someone around just in case things get dicey? Then step right up, buttercup! I’ll saddle your emotional burden for you!

Everyone has that one person that they dated, fooled around with or merely lied to to get in their respective pants. You know, the person you look back upon and say ,” Damn, I did some foul stuff to that guy/girl.” Well, now if you act fast, I can provide you with a service to alleviate all of that negativity in one fell swoop! Here is a small sampling of the services I bring to the table:

1. 24 hour call center. This is a very general service, including but not limited to: calling me up in tears because the other boys you are dating are making you stressed, the two to four times a month when you go out drinking and call me late at night to tell me you want to marry me then forget the whole thing the next day, calling to make sure I am at home while you are on your way out on a date and the bi-monthly random wig-out.
2. Ego stroking. Pretty much self-explanatory, you feel down, I’ll make sure to spoon with you, hold your hair as you vomit from too many girly drinks after a night out without me, tell you you’re pretty all the time, all so you can have that extra bit of confidence to go and talk to that hunky guy you’ve had your eye on down at the gym.
3. Emotional bomb squad. Now this is where I truly shine above the rest. Invite me over, have wild passionate sex with me, then tell me you don’t want to talk to me for a few days and that,” Oh yeah, I’ve been sleeping with my landlord to pay rent.” No problem! I will discretely and without inflicting further emotional trauma tell you I love you, give you a hug and leave 50 bucks on your dresser for your next night out er, I mean to help pay the rent. ( amount left on dresser open to negotiation )

These premium services are available upon request:

• Meeting your parents and telling them we’re just friends so that they won’t be disappointed.
• Helping you move. Helping you move into a new boyfriend’s apartment is for platinum subscribers only.
• Hanging out with your shallow, maladjusted, mainstream-oriented friends. Doing so in a cheesy club or bar is again for platinum accounts only.
• Taking you back time and time again, even though we both know it’s only until anything else comes along, and that it’s only so that you can feel better in the interim.

In short, you have lots of things on your mind (maybe). Why get yourself all confused with feelings of regret? Let me help you release all that party girl lifestyle in a comforting, positive environment. Get it all out now, so that you can move on to a heathy, constructive relationship right after you “dump” me. Let me be your practice boyfriend. Please, try my product.

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Woobie’s note: My guest for this post is Monkeychapps. In his own words, he is “just a hopeless romantic that has been burnt too many times and write as a form of therapy.” If he in any way made you smile, kindly subscribe to his feed. Or take him up on his offer.

:D