Cheating in a Long Distance Relationship (I): Physical Infidelity
Do long distance relationships and infidelity go hand in hand? Not always, but the trend of one spouse going abroad to work has led to stress and tension in the relationship. In this series, we are going to discuss the two types of cheating (physical and emotional). First up, physical infidelity.
Why Does Physical Cheating Happen?
There are some men and women who like variety in sex. Usually they cannot open up their fantasies to their partners, or they cannot have it per se due to physical distance, so they seek other means or other people to sate their cravings.
There are people who treat sex like they treat nourishment and sustenance…i.e. if you’re hungry, and you have money to buy food, by all means, EAT! When their needs are sated they’re “normal” again.
Can Physical Infidelity be Prevented? Yes, and usually by the would be cheater himself.
Those who have accepted their roles as life partners however will always make it a point to simply “look”. You know that feeling you get when you’re window shopping, and you see an item (like a new gaming gadget) that really triggers something inside you? You gaze at it, fantasize about having it in your house, but decide that it’s not worth spending your savings on so you move along.
Not all women and men will understand the physical reasons for cheating, and why physical infidelity can simply be contained in a small box inside one’s mind labeled “SEX”, far removed from that bigger box labeled “family and everlasting love“.
The Trust Issue
If you are in a long distance relationship with someone who is prone to cheating (i.e. had numerous GFs in the past, always getting accosted by girls, and works in an industry filled with gorgeous women), the best course of action is to TRUST the guy.
Remember that you’re far apart, and you only have limited time, so don’t waste it fighting. The stress of not being trusted could make him lose control. Be his playful girlfriend again and send some crazy photos. Feel and sound sexy when you talk to him over the phone. Be his dreamgirl all over again.
This is a wake up call to those who LOVE bad boys (a.k.a. Players).
Taming the bad boy is possible, but remember the old adage about how a tiger cannot change its stripes. He will continue to crave variety, and his feelings for you won’t even be a factor, but if he has really been “tamed”, you can be sure that the craving and the sating will stay inside the confines of his mind.
But then again, humans make mistakes, and it is the prerogative of the cheated to forgive or not.
Learn how you can save your marriage and bring back the trust in your relationship. Click here.
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29 Responses to “Cheating in a Long Distance Relationship (I): Physical Infidelity”
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I totally agree that infidelity can (and should) be prevented by the would-be cheater. While I understand that distance can cause stress, that can’t be used as an excuse. And the trust issue is definitely key, who wouldn’t get stressed out when they feel like the person they’re closest to doesn’t trust them?
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I’ve always felt that those who arent trusted are more likely to go ahead and cheat. What’s keeping them? They aren’t being trusted anyway right?
LDRs are relying on trust to survive, so make sure you are not making things up where they don’t exist.
While body language is probably the best way to detect a liar, there are equally good ways to dig up long distance dishonesty. Speech, according to popular psychology, might just be the second best way to tell if the romance is dead. So, if you have any doubt, ask your partner what they did on the weekend, and listen carefully. Rather than bombard them with a series of interrogative questions, sometimes it’s best to just sit back for a while and let them dictate the flow of the conversation. It’s likely you’ll find your answer without even asking the question.
A liar will be comfortable for the first few sentences. But, if you keep probing, and your lover IS lying, their make-believe world will come to light. You’ll know this because their speech rhythm will fluctuate. A liar will either speak too fast or speak very slowly in an effort to process numerous strands of invented data. Their speech might also become filled with many “ums” and “ahs.”
According to some speech experts, dishonest lovers are also unlikely to emphasize words and sentences. Look at it like this: If you are being honest and someone questions that sincerity, you will likely argue your defense. A liar, on the other hand, will cower with submissive statements. Pay attention to your partner’s wording. If you do ask a question, “Did you sleep with someone?” and they respond with your own words, “No, I didn’t sleep with someone,” chances are they’re lying. “What are you talking about?” is the response you want to hear. Another trick is to ask targeted questions. Ask for minute details like, “who drove?” or “what was the name of the restaurant?”
Ultimately, the best way to find out if you’re being lied to is by using your senses and focusing on everything that you are feeling. This is where instinct comes in. Just remember, obsessive and jealous behavior lead to disaster so before you start interrogating your sweetie, make sure you have the ground reasons to do that and you are not just imagining stories.
Check http://www.waiit.com for more LDR tips
My boyfriend for over a year cheated on me. The excuse was played out that he got drunk, and slept with some girl. It was easy for me in a way to forgive him because I had made the same mistakes in the past. At first I was ok with it, and wanted to work things out. But now anxiety and stress is setting in and I fear that he might be searching for the next best thing. We are on a “break” or an “open relationship” but at the same time I can’t get over sharing him with someone else, especially if he starts to develop feelings for them. I want to trust him again, but I think the distance is making the issues worse. I feel betrayed but I want to give him another chance.
Hey confusedGF, i am in the exact same 100% identical situation as you. My girlfriend got drunk and the rest is history. i am in a long distance relationship as well, and I believe they are developing feelings for each other. The guy lives close to her and i am not there for her. I know I need to let go, but its hard you know? I am sure you would know it more than anyone else. If you ever need someone to talk to here is my email replayrockstar@hotmail.com
stay strong!
I find myself on the other side of this situation atm. I’m away from my wife and I’m having a terrible time with my fidelity. It’s like it’s eating away at me to stay faithful. I love my wife so much. She’s great and we connect to each other, but since we’ve been apart all I can think about is cheating on her. IDK wtf is wrong with me, but something is going to break. I’ve tried to tell her how I feel (probably a mistake) and she got all clingy and scared on me. I just wanted her to know that I’m doing my best but I’m struggling with it. I don’t really know where to turn or what to think. This sucks though. I cheated on her once before when we were apart for a long time. I admitted it to her after the affair was over and we were back together. It took a while for us to work through it but we did. But now those same feelings are coming back. Idk what to do. this sucks though
Hi bad guy,
I have always thought that the main reason why men are pushed to cheat is the way their wives react to the concept of cheating.Like you said, all clingy and scared. This translates to being paranoid, jealous, emotional and stressed. Some women forget to be wives or girlfriends when it’s time to act the secure woman. A woman’s security and lasting trust makes a man more faithful. Yes, even in the face of temptation. A woman’s faith and good-humor will give him the courage to say no.
What you can do now. Just reassure her that you’re not going to, IF she believes in you. Distrust is the ultimate “cheating aphrodisiac” as they say.
I’m the bad girl. The guy I’m seeing has been in a LDR for 9 (!) years. They are more than 1,000 miles apart. I figure WTF, we’re both over 50. If, after 9 years, they’re still not married, he’s fair game. I don’t mind that he’s sneaking behind her back to be with me. At my age, there are so few good men that maybe us girls just need to share!
I have been in a LDR nearly 5 years. We were going to get married in december. Something went wrong, he started developing a friendship with a co-worker and I told him that would lead to our break up because he was going to cheat on me, i just felt it.. he never litsened to me, and called me jealous and paranoid, and he asked me to go to a psycologist, in the end.. HE was cheating on me, and he never told me.. he continued planning the wedding as if nothing was happening and then i told him i knew when he came to see me, he promised we would fix things but then now he is back in his country and he says he is scared and that he doesnt know if he loves me and he says he needs time to think about it. I dont know.. is he leaving me, is he going to fix it? i am so heartbroken because he used me and he never told me he had doubts, i even had my wedding dress and reception payed for..what if he gave me an STD? he slept with her and never told me…i dont know what to do,, i feel like dying
I have been in a long distance relationship for 1 1/2 Years. My boyfriend and I are still very young, only 17. Things are tough and he lives about 1,000 miles away. Money is tight, and there are tons of bills to pay, so there is no chance of seeing him, or him seeing me anytime soon. I have tried so hard not too fall back on someone else, but I guess because I tried so hard, and was so scared that I was going to mess up, that I did. I have met a guy that lives only a few minutes away from me. We have fun and all is great. But that still does not change the way things are.
Im in long distance relationship now. But so far, so good, we’re in good state.,.lol
thanks
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I’m also in a long distance relationship. Just over 9 months. I really do love him and think he loves me but I find that a lot of times when we finally do see each other, we fight. And I know its because there is a lot of pressure and we put too much into it at times. If you would have asked me a year ago if LDR’s work I would have said NO!! But now I find myself in that situation I thought once impossible.
I guess it takes A LOT of trust and it is harder then a relationship at home but hopefully worth it. I’m just tired of being hurt in past relationships and honestly this is my last try. If this doesn’t work I’m taking a LONG BREAK. lol.
Well, good luck to everyone! It all happens for a reason
I am in Long Distance Relationship with my girl. She goes to a uc while i am in city college back home. First year we decided not to go out with out each other. Now that its her 2 year, we made a new rule we can go out as long as we dont drink a lot.Since we both need to get back with our friends. Well i am a guy who was homecoming king and played football/track and getting a girl is not that hard to be honest with you. But I have been faithful. The question is can I trust her? She never can tell when she is drunk and she is good looking girl. I feeling I will be getting the short end. Since her best friend is a big slut who is always telling her, what a tool i am. FK My Life. Girls are freaking hard to understand.
HI Kpaeyk.
The thing about trust is that you just believe the other person isn’t doing anything, oftentimes blindly. Congratulations on your decision to stay faithful. At the end of the day, it’s all about looking yourself in the mirror and being able to say you’re no cheater.
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Hello Ruby.
Thank you. You are right. That really does make me feel better. Hope all is good with you.
depressed, how did you find out he was cheating abroad when he didn’t tell you.
I was in a LDR for 8 months with an ex that I oonce lived with and almost married four years ago. We broke up because I was partying too much and he wanted to settle down. We spent two years apart and he moved across country after leaving the military. He came back into my life this past January and was like, “I Love you I don’t want to live without you…we chaked the two years up as a growing experience and we needed that time to realize what we meant to eachother. So he re-enlisted in the Army and we decicided that wherever he got stationed I was going to move to and we would get married. I started planning, he was going through training, I went to visit him for gradduation, (it was stressful with the military schedule but so romantic and incredible at the same time)..left came back home to Va and he found out he was going to be stationed in WA come Sept. and then would be leaving for Iraq next April. He was worried that going to the JOP would be bad because he wanted me to have (the wedding I deserved) I assured him that staying here in VA and waiting for two years after everything we had been through would be worse than getting a “civil marriage” and then having the reception when he returned, he agreed and we moved forward. Two weeks later I get a FB message from a 27 year old trailer park girl that said”just to let you know the night after he said he loved you “he F’ed me”!…needless to say I called him acted liek I didnt know and told him to drop dead and to never call me AGAIN….Its been four weeks and I have never felt so aweful in my life. I found out more details a week after the FB message from a drunken phone call I made to him. He said he felt aweful and that he knew he had done the worst thing in the world to me…that he wasnt worthy of a woman like me and that it is now up for me to decide if I can forgive him…I am so confused b/c this man has been in my life in so many different ways in the past 5 years. I feel like he is the love of my life but i have never been cheated on and I neer in a million years thought he would do this to me…he was married when he was 18! and his first wife screwed half the block 6 months after they got married…(still no excuse). Just confused want to forgive but keep my self respect. Help!
I have been in a LDR since Jan with a woman I adore. I live in AUST and I met her earlier this year and totally fell in love. I plan to leave my son/home/job/family etc to marry her in Jan/Feb 2010. But I have that awful gut feeling that she has a lover even though we promise each other we are faithful. My fear of her cheating is totally consuming me and manifests itself in other ways that affects our LDR. I have no problem whatsoever being faithful (and I love s*x) I just hope she is the same. It’s just that strange little occurances make me sus and I probably turn them into something they’re not. Im worried this may ruin the best thing that may ever happen to me, I just wish there was some way I could find out for sure before I leave my entire life in AUS behind! Any advice or encouragement would be so very much appreciated!! (BTW I split with my ex after she cheated and this doesn’t help with my suspicious mid!)
Thanks,
B
I’ve been away from my boyfriend for almost 3 months now and I have another 9 or so months to go. He’s no doubt perfect for me. I love him more than I’ve ever loved anyone. But I find myself liking it more and more where I am and I don’t talk to him as much and I’m meeting new people and going out more. I’ve been going to many bars and parties and there I find myself getting too drunk, and guys definitely take advantage of that situation. But regardless, it’s still my fault. I know it. I do have the power to say no, but I just don’t. I am very vulnerable right now, and it’s worse when I’m drunk. And I could decide to not drink but everyone here does and it’s normal and I won’t deny it, it’s a great way to get to know new people. The guys here are so different from back home. They’re so much more flirty here, and they make it known that they’re interested. A few nights ago I met up with a guy knowing before hand that something was going to happen, regardless of if I drank or not. I knew what I was doing is horrible, but I just did it anyway. And we’re meeting again in a couple of days. And he told me he understands if I want to stop but he keeps saying things suggesting he wants more and more and that’s really annoying. And whenever I talk to my boyfriend, I’m scared I’ll slip something by accident, and I’m really paranoid he’ll find out somehow. I can’t afford for him to know, he’s all I have and I want to be with him for as long as possible. It’s all my fault. I don’t exactly NEED sexual gratification but it’s just so tempting… I also feel like I’m being horribly selfish by not telling him because I want him that much. I’m a jackass. This sucks.
Unsure, you are a jackass. Stop stomping all over someone else’s feelings and get your life sorted out, you have to come clean so that he can find someone who isn’t going to betray him ! If he has been faithful to you he deserves so much better than you !
And the guy, you’ve been sleeping with, if he knows about your boyfriend, he’s a complete jackass too. Sounds like you are made for each other as neither of you will care when you cheat on each other….
Men aren’t possessions, they deserve respect ! If your boyfriend is so perfect for you, well it’s your fault, you messed it up and don’t deserve him! I hope karma gets you !
Fell in love with a girl in a foreign country and we built over the period of 2 years what I thought was such a solid relationship. She knew I had to go back home half way around the world for 9 months and cheated on me 8 months in! So now I’m going back in 3 weeks regardless (business) and she’s meeting me at the airport to explain everything and hope I can forgive her. I have always been there for her and given her all I can. I purposely don’t hang out with other girls just to stay away from infidelity. So here’s the thing…
We are both very good looking people and the business I’m going back for is modeling. I could literally call one (maybe even 2) of 23 gorgeous women in my phone and take them back to my place after a few drinks. Picking up women is as natural to me as breathing, yet every time I think of anyone else I get this pit in my stomach that wont go away. I love her so much and miss her even more. I’ve always had a fantasy of giving her everything, love, affection, cars, a house, children the whole 9 yards. I’m so confused and bursting at the seams with sadness. I’m not a jealous person and she knew I trusted her 100%. Women are very cruel creatures
Blake, your situation sounds so much like mine. My boyfriend and I have been in a LDR for 5 months now with only 1 month left for me to go back to his country. We have been dating for 4 years and both believed it to be the most stable relationship. I’m going through a stressful period careerwise right now, being especially busy and overwhelmed this month. Yet, 2 weeks ago, when I was hoping for all the moral support he could give, he dropped the bomb and said we should take a break. I haven’t asked if he was cheating, I just told him that in 1 month we’ll be able to talk to each other face to face about this. Technically we are still together but today I found evidence that there is another woman who is referred to as his girlfriend. Please email me if you need someone to talk to, cause I definitely need someone who can relate to my situation leeemandeee@gmail.com
We were friends for several months and it developed naturally into a fun and happy relationship. Trouble is, I was graduating and we both had plans afterward which would take us 5,000 miles apart. We were only 6 months into exclusivity, and prepping to be apart for a minimum of 9 months. We both assumed that we’d go our separate ways and stay in touch as friends, but not much more because of inevitable circumstance.
We kept going strong though, I tried not to be needy and clingy, and but we kept on as if we were in LDR. Admittedly, I was rarely the one to initiate calls, and when he dropped the L bomb, I panicked and didn’t say I loved him back, or sign my emails that way. At this point in time, we were in a don’t-ask-don’t tell situation. Then, after two months of being apart, he decided to fly down to visit me for Christmas. I introduced him as my good friend, although once again it was as if we were still a couple. When he left, it was an extremely tearful parting on both parts– and I told him I was sorry if I had hurt his feelings, but I wasn’t sure what he wanted, and I didn’t want him to feel pressured into anything he couldn’t commit to. He said he understood, his feelngs hadn’t changed either and and so we decided to officailly have the bf/gf commitment.
Flash forward 5 months, long distance is hard, but we communicated as often as ever, We arranged to come back to the US at the same time and he asked me to live with him to start the next phase of our lives. When we did get back though, I stayed back with family and pussyfooted for 2 months to move into the place that he found, and in the meantime had been talking about career goals that might take me to the other side of the country.
Flash forward another couple months, and after a few teary arguments- I admitted to not being totally emotionally available, but it was because I had been hurt in the past, and I was scared to really let myself go with him because I did feel so strongly. He had told me multiple times since returning from abroad, that he was not like that, and that he wouldn’t mess around on me, but every now and then that gut feeling crept up and I couldn’t ignore it. Now, this past weekend, the issue came up again, and he got so angry that I ‘unfairly and unjustefiedly’ couldn’t completely trust him (I did trust when we were miles away, this feeling was new). So the next day while he was out, I went onto his Skype to see if I really was unjustified. He was always really open with his things, so I thought there couldn’t have been anything to hide, and I could get over it. I ended up finding in his chats with his 3 closest friends, multiple times where he had mentioned going out with other girls, rating how they were, even bragging how young they were! and definitely not expressing remorse to his friends. He can be a facetious guy, so I could have been reading too much into them, but…
I confronted him, and he was so upset that I looked through his stuff, but admitted to having done it. He says it was because we were so far away, he meant everything that he said about loving and caring for me, these girls were because he was lonely and needed physical release, that I didn’t seem too into the relationship anyway, and the reason he kept up with intensity is because he really did want only me the whole time, and didn’t plan on that ever happening again, now that we were living together and ‘all in’. I really want to believe that this happend because there weren’t clear enough boundaries and that getting through this together and overcoming our own issues together we can have an incredible bond, but I just feel like he doesn’t regret what he did, only regrets being caught. He even told me that given any other variable- whether or not his friends abroad were also fooling around (which they were), whether or not I told him I loved him and called him, he wasn’t sure if he’d have still been able to resist. I feel like an idiot for even THINKing about staying, but I just need someone else to straight talk me. I moved very far from my family and all of my friends to be here with him.
This isn’t salvageable is it? I know I was wrong to violate his trust and go through his things, but the truth is, I shouldn’t have found anything. Now I did, and I think that it wasn’t just a mistake, but that this is his character. My problem is that I gave him ample opportunity to say ‘no, i i love you, but I can’t be apart like this right now’, but instead he was so deceitful! I don’t know what to do, and I don’t know what my gut is telling me- its just churning.
My boyfriend is going back to his home town in two weeks but he said
he wanted us to continue dating. I’m okay with this because I have lasted in long distance relationships before. Today he asked for some girl’s phone number right infront of me. I of course got mad. I didn’t say anything to him but I’m sure he knew because later he ran off without even saying bye to me or any of our friends. I’m thinking if he is already flirting with other girls before he is gone how am i suppose to trust him when he is in another state.
i have been dating this guy for 3 and 1/2 yrs now and i must say he’s been the most amazing person i have ever known, i feel very lucky to have him. However, about a year ago, i left to a different continent to study and its been one heel of a roller coaster, sometimes he gets so upset and frustrated that he caries it out on me, sometimes i wonder if he blames me for the distance. there were also times i felt like he cheated (no proof obviously), just that feeling you get when something goes wrong. i love this man to death and i cant imagine a life without him. i also know that he loves me so much. sadly, our lives seem to be going in very different directions, my dreams and my career goals are just really different from he’s. i truly dont know what to do…i dont want to just give up everything or anything at all! PLEASE HELP
i have been with this man four years and we have a child together.he has cheated on me and i havce cheated on him,and still we are together.he works in different states a lot,and last year i only spent maybe 4 weeks with him out of 12 months.he flew up for one day for our sons b-day and flew back out.he promised me we wont go another year like this but once again still on the road.wants me to stay strong.i asked him to take a month off to spend some time with the family and he will not bend.i am so lonely.it has been 4 years of this s*** but i love him because he has made me a better person.i told him i am lonely and i have cheated.am i wrong for feeling this way?
I think long distance relationships are doomed from the start.
“Out of sight, out of mind.” Men and women get lonely, as the stories in the other postings here show.
Hey, i also am in a long distance relationship for 2years. I’m 19 and he’s 30. I dated him while i was in matric and he was miles away. He works in northwest but his original place is around limpopo, where i also recite. Things were ok and we were happily dating. I went to a college and he wanted to pay me a visit and yah all was well. That was after a year dating and surprising enough, he wanted to introduce me to his family. I went to his place around march this year and his mom and siblings liked me. They kept calling after i left, just to check on me. Around the begining of april, he called and asked if i could come to northwest during june since he has tickets to watch soccer live from the stadium. I was so excited about it and told him i’d come. At the end of april, he called me and cancelled off our deal. He didn’t have a valid reason to cancel but i had to understand. Two days after, i called him and asked how he was, but could hear he wasn’t free to talk. I told him i missed him and how much i love him and his respond was:’i know’ and hanged up the phone. Since that day he never called me again instead i kept calling him and he didn’t wan2 tell what the problem is. I decided to tell his mom who was surprised after hearing my story. I’m still confused and don’t know what to do because i trully love him. Now i like this other guy at my college, he’s 1year older than me and i find him interesting, we spent some time together and yah he’s a very nice person. Should i go for him and forget about my ignorant man?
my husband now in qatar,
i dont know if he cheated on me.before every friday we had an internet date,but now he did not make a time for that date. He said, he is busy working overtime for additional income.he always called me.Does he cheating on me? is there something wrong? he always say,he miss me.but i don’t feel it.