Control: Dominance in Relationships
The Origin of the Rebel Partner
Some girls and guys, once they are over the ‘honeymoon phase’ of their relationship establish grounds and make up rules. I think this is when the conflicts start. Moreover, this is the dreaded phase that perpetually single men and women fear, leading them to say “being single is more fun because I can be me”.
Do you lose your identity in relationships? Do you feel like abiding by rules that your partner implements is turning you into another person? I think that rules are ok if they are phrased as suggestions or recommendations.
One very perceptive guy I went out with could tell when I was turning into a rebel girlfriend, though I tried my best not to show it. He called it the “eye hardening” phenomenon, when my usual doe-eyed demeanor would seem to harden and he had to duck out of site. Some guys impose unreasonable rules without justifying them. If a guy provided a good reason for making a girl dress a certain way, like “I get jealous when guys ogle your plump, rounded woobies so please don’t deliberately show them to people”, things would be much more clear.
Stifle. Control. Suffocate. Smother.
These words are the most commonly used reasons for wanting to break free from a relationship. Not all controlling actions come from guys however, there are women who turn into she-devils when they feel that they already have a stable foothold in the relationship.
The first year of a couple is crucial to establishing who’s dominant and who’s submissive; and in some cases, who’s submissive or dominant where and when. A rule of thumb I abide by is this: respect the machismo culture when people are around, but not when you’re alone. Unless you are naturally a submissive girl, you must let your voice be heard, but don’t make the mistake of ranting out your strong opinions in situations where in people can watch him get emasculated.
Sometimes, rigid rules make cheating much more tempting. Like a forbidden comfort food that a person eats in secret after lights-out in a strict dormitory. I guess the secret is finding a good spot between total control and compromise. One can’t make someone follow regulations, the other person must volunteer to abide by them.
5 Responses to “Control: Dominance in Relationships”
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What I would be asking myself is that where does the need of dominating come from… For instance, what I wear is none of my boyfriends business, no matter how jealous he gets… If he doesn’t like the way I dress he shouldn’t have asked me out in the first place. Asking me to change the way I dress after the fact is unfair, and goes both ways. I wouldn’t influence my husbands way of dressing, unless he asks my opinion. However I do like shopping with him, he’s got a fabulous fashion sense, but that’s beside the point. :p I think no matter what stage the relationship is in, you have to treat your partner as if he was a friend… An odd concept to some people, sadly. For some odd reason there are people who suddenly start seeing their boy or girlfriends as something they own instead of the friends they are. You wouldn’t insist your friend dresses differently would you? At most you would possibly interfere if you seriously thought she was making a fool out of herself going out looking the way she did, but not because she made you uncomfortable, right?
Sebastyne’s last blog post..What you fear is what you get
You must understand it from a mans point of view, first ask the question why people say “my girlfriend or my boyfriend” its because there is a commitment there, now if you are not commited its okay to dress as you please but if you dress advertising yourself as if you are available to other men they will see you as a free agent and as if they can dip their hand in the cookie jar. If you dress provocatively your man cannot trust you and you will make him insecure about you he asks himself “what are her motives for dressing like that”? show that you love him by, commiting your body to him, by the way if you are really serious about each other you should be engaged if not why bother?
Its all because women are the ones who attract by the way, in the animal kingdom males compete for the female so dressing modestly is taking yourself off the competition market for Him. Loving and thoughtful is’nt it?
oh you are already married, sorry i didnt read properly
This is so beautiful, thank you! Let me explain: I’m a guy who wants to generally be the dominant one, and wear the pants and lead, even to the point of being a benevolent “control freak” but when you suggested to women that if they must be dominant, they should respect the machismo culture and not emasculate him in public, you helped me create a distinction in my mind that I really like and find beautiful. I guess female dominance is one thing but emasculation of a man in public is a whole other thing! I wish more of the “fairer sex” would be as conscious as you. smiles and love