Friends to Lovers: Transition From Platonic to Romantic
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I have long been posting about Guy Friends and how love can develop from a simple friendship. All the songs and movies about friends evolving to lovers confirm our suspicion that while the cupid guy sometimes shoots at unwary strangers, he is more likely to target the people that are already familiar with each other.
A reader, Anne (not her real name), recently sent in a question about her guy friend/suitor problem. Like every one who has ever been in that gray area between love and friendship, she is confused and more than a little bit excited at the thought that she could be more than just friends with a long time homie.
Here’s her question:
- Hello!! I came across you website and I thought I might ask about a particular guy that I’m interested in… Well first off, we’re pretty good friends, although, over the past month we’ve started to get closer. We have just been hanging out more by ourselves rather than hanging out in the group we always hang out in. I’m just wondering if he’s starting to have feelings for me because sometimes he’ll say that he misses me. Also, the last time that we went to the movies alone, he put his arm around me and we cuddled throughout the entire movie. Would a guy do that with a girl he just likes as a friend? Also, sometimes he’ll call me before he goes to sleep. Could I be overanalyzing this?
Anne’s story is a classic friends-to-lovers dilemma. While we would love to have a clear line between love and friendship, there is none. What we do have is that transition period when everything gets so confusing that one seeks outside influence to figure it out.
Here’s my response:
- Hey, Anne. There’s a thing called ‘mutual understanding’ which happens when a friendship reaches that exact point where you are now. It’s like, you’re very good friends and have now been thinking about each other romantically, and every sweet gesture (arms around each other in the movies etc) adds to that.This phase will ONLY be broken (you and your guy friend proceed to the love phase or go back to ‘really just friends’) if…
- 1. One or the other risks asking “What are we?”. This is usually the unspoken question that never gets asked because the “mutual understanding phase” is very comfortable and safe, though open-ended. And,
- 2. One or the other gets in a relationship with a third party. Remember that under the ‘barely lovers, more than friends’ banner, there is no exclusivity. You have not yet committed to a serious relationship and can be open to others coming in.
So how about it, peeps. What do you think?
14 Comments
July 2nd, 2008 at 3:12 am
I think you’re right on with your answer woobie
You’re going to lose the friendship anyway so might as well go for it…I don’t think its possible to have a strictly platonic relationship if any sort of romantic notion (ie cuddling while watching a movie) ever intervenes.
Chelle’s last blog post..My Answer to the Meaning of Love
July 2nd, 2008 at 11:13 am
I would say just give it a try too and if it’s not as good as they imagined they can just stay really good friends then. They would never know the answer unless they try it.
July 2nd, 2008 at 1:39 pm
@Jade
The trying is actually the exciting part. It’s a bit more difficult to ‘break up’ with a friend though, because they both know that they will still see each other.
Bah! Let’s not talk about breakups yet! Think positive!
:D
July 3rd, 2008 at 8:36 am
I think that really good friends make the best lovers. They started out NOT putting their best foot forward and began liking each other for what they really are, without any pretensions.
Sure, there is the danger of breaking the friendship, but if you’re really good friends, you’ll stay friends.
Joey’s last blog post..Married Life
July 3rd, 2008 at 11:50 am
Kaya pala ganoon si Sam. /gg
“barely lovers, more than friends” – Pero kung minsan manyakis lang talaga.
July 3rd, 2008 at 12:50 pm
In a guy’s perspective, I don’t believe in friends turning to lovers. Well, I used to believe all those shit but its only a fantasy.
I feel the guy is desperate making his friend as a lover. Friends for me, guy or girl are like brothers and sisters. You wont make a lover out of them do you? Di talo, ika nga.
But that’s just my opinion.
snoobie designer’s last blog post..Affiliate Marketing Reality TV : Top Affiliate Challenge
July 3rd, 2008 at 2:25 pm
Wow Joey and Snoobie has contrasting views, but they both are true depending on the situation.
Mario, you rock! Sam Piolo!
July 4th, 2008 at 2:43 pm
Saying “you’re just a friend” to a guy in love is the most painful thing a woman could say. Same goes the other way around.
Women loves security. They can’t risk friendship that they grow comfortable with.
Its better to express from the beginning that you want to be her/his friend / lover / fb from the beginning instead of “let’s see where our friendship will take us”.
I feel I’m over sharing.
snoobie designer’s last blog post..Web Designer And Web Developer Talked About Doing Business Online
July 4th, 2008 at 11:47 pm
Para sa lalaki kasi kadalasan; ganito kasimple, YOU + ME = SEX.
July 5th, 2008 at 2:24 am
@Snoobie
Absolutely. We share the same views about being direct, I see. Giving hope that “this could mean something special” is like keeping the person suspended in time, waiting for something to happen. I mean, cmon, no one deserves that.
@Mario
True.
lol. Friends can be f*ck buddies too?
July 5th, 2008 at 9:56 am
@Mario
Is there anything else? The desire for sex is the most powerful emotion. There’s nothing wrong with that. Love is the 4th.
@woobie
Exactly right. As expected from a relationship guru/blogger/professional/gamer/manghuhula/horoscopian(?)
snoobie designer’s last blog post..Web Designer And Web Developer Talked About Doing Business Online
June 2nd, 2009 at 3:22 am
Hi,
Let me share a story.
Am 35 and am good friends with a 30 years old ex-workmate who is now my good buddy. We are so close and that we do the following:
1. Share every freaking incidents in our lives
2. Calls and sms non stop
3. Just hang out and talk for hours
4. He thinks am a guy and I think he’s my girlfriend
It all started few days back when I developed feelings for him as while we were shopping for clothes. I was busy checking him out and and I realized that i dont see him as a friend or brother anymore. I am tall and a size 16 and he kind of short and small.
I expresed my feelings to him and attempted to have a very matured conversation – he was quite surprised and kept saying that he thinks the situation is quite awkard and he thinks am his big sister. He is generally quite slow with responses and I anticipated his response.
We agreed to be remain godd friends but I now see him differently…what can i do and do you think he will change his mind ?
June 4th, 2009 at 2:56 am
Hi Pat,
From what you said, i can assume that he’s not ready for commitment while you don’t feel the same restraint. My advice: treasure your closeness but don’t hold a torch out for that person. Go out and find other ’special friends’ to connect with. The more you show him that he’s not your whole life, the more he will feel like he has to compete for your affection.
The challenge of keeping you ‘his’ might just be enough to prompt him into action.
June 4th, 2009 at 5:13 am
Hi Divablogger,
Thank you for that … he said he needs time to digest the new scenario and wants to be disconnected for few weeks. I agreed – it means no text messages, no phonecalls, no outings and chats – he wants to be alone it seems. He wants to chill it seems .
I guess it will take time for me and it’s definitely an eye opening experience for me.