Why Marriage Counseling is Not Popular Among Filipinos
This is a sensitive topic for me because (1) I am unmarried by choice and (2) I have issues with my culture’s views on marriage, particularly that culture which sneers at attempts of ‘meddling individuals’ (i.e. marriage counseling) to save the marriage for the couple. I simply cannot address the former if I don’t talk about the latter first. Here’s my attempt.
It really is ‘Forever’
Divorce has never been an option here, because that law has been a bill for years and years but has never found any supporters among the lawmakers. The only option is annulment, but that too has found a roadblock in one recent change in the marriage process. When my best friend got married she SMS’d me “Lol, you’re gonna love the new twist in the Catholic Church’s wedding application approval system”.
It turns out that the Church makes the couple sign a legal document stating ‘the individual applying for marriage certifies that the person he/she is marrying is psychologically able to handle the marriage’. That last clause is the usual reason stated in applications for annulment. So if a couple chose to have their union blessed by the Church, they must make the marriage work; because with that legal document, the only way out of a bad marriage has just caved in.
It should follow that the couple, who cannot separate legally because of the reasons mentioned above, should exhaust all attempts to save their marriage, right? So why isn’t marriage counseling a booming business here in the Philippines? Is it that all marriages here are perfect and unmarred by relationship issues?
Evil Pride is the reason.
To approach a professional for help regarding their relationship is tantamount to admitting that the marriage is a failure, that there is something wrong with it and that one or both made a wrong choice along the way. When a typical Filipino couple bickers, the fights usually happen inside the bedroom, away from the prying eyes of other individuals. When the issues are not resolved they separate, still married, and miserable because of our society’s stigma (I’ve heard of stories on how Catholic schools reject kindergarten applicants from broken families and I shudder at the bias).
Marriage counselors, in our culture’s point of view, are just glorified ‘meddlers’ who get paid to meddle with something that should be resolved by the couple, and the couple alone. I wholeheartedly disagree. Which person is more likely to give an objective judgment on how to get out of a raging river: the drowning person or that lifeguard on the riverbank who can see how the tide moves?
The DIY Approach
Having said that, I decided that if ever I do get married but still feel obligated to stick by tradition and try to make the marriage without ‘outside help’, no one can stop me from doing a DIY. There are online marriage counseling or save marriage counseling programs available over the internet that I can use as guides if I or my partner feel the society-mandated shame at seeking professional help. I intend to go about it and make my partner cooperate, even if i have to cut up his pride and feed it to him with his dinner… because…
I believe in marriage so much that divorce is absolutely out of the question for me, whether or not it gets legalized. I am unmarried yet because I am still scared shitless at not having the option to run when the pain gets too much to bear. Maybe I am learning bit by bit, and someday I may be able to handle the ‘forever’ thing and the never-ending-struggle-to-create-harmony that goes with it.
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19 Responses to “Why Marriage Counseling is Not Popular Among Filipinos”
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Marriage counselling was not popular with my ex husband either. Luckily, we don’t have the stigma attached to divorce.
Men would rather be single than be wrong heh, heh.
witchypoo’s last blog post..Hubris, it Bites Your Hind End
@witchy
I loved that last line lol. I might use it in real life later in the day.XD
It’s really hard for broken families here, particularly the kids. People are treading very lightly around them for some reason, like they might break at the mere mention of “happy family’. The pitying makes me sick. ^^
HA HA HA, are you serious “psychologically able to handle the marriage,” sadly I laugh because I’m also catholic.
Girl I feel you, I’m originally from a country with strong culture and beliefs, divorce is not allowed! people just stay in marriages even when they don’t like each other (I wonder which is worse).
the online idea is really smart! or perhaps a self-help book. (I’m single over here too)
Ambrosiality’s last blog post..About the Party & Update
@Ambrosiality
You know what’s funniest about the “psychologically able” confirmation that the Church asks? What if within the marriage, one partner loses it and thus “not psychologically able” to continue the marriage. I wonder how the Church will address that situation LOL.
Men would rather be single than be wrong heh, heh.
Funny, I could say the same thing about women.
Oddly enough, as much as I want a honey bunny, I dread marriage too. It seems to change people in unexpected ways. :-O
Lincoln’s last blog post..Introducing: The Top 19 Songs of All Time Playlist!
Cherish your Catholicism in the Philippines. Do not seek secularism as the United States has done.
Marriages mean nothing here. The defense of marriage
by the Catholic Church in America is a fraud. Some of us who have been divorced by our spouses in our “No-fault” divorce empire have had to fight the Catholic Church itself to defend our valid marriages. So we facde persecution by the State, the catholic Church and our spouses.
Listen to someone who has lived his whole life in the US. While I love my country, it is a far from perfect place and getting worse rather than better.
Pray for your priests and Bishops. They are far better than ours here in the US. I wish a Filipino Bishop would be interested in communicating with me so he could understand how badly the family is really treated in the America rather than how its treatment is PRESENTED by American Catholic Bishops.
Pray that you are blessed to have a strong Catholic Church. Work to respect and cherish each other. Work on your marriages rather than on the easiest way to end them. Your children need you. Work on your own holiness.
God bless you.
@linc
that statement just made you irrevocably a “player” (that’s for another post) :gg:
@Karl
I understand where you’re coming from and believe me I love that the Catholic Church here has more power than the state when it puts its whole power behind it (proof: EDSA 1).
What I resent is the self righteous judgment that some people here place on others, and how they invoke the Catholic dogma to justify the judgment.
If you’ve heard the song “Banal na Aso, Santong Kabayo” it describes exactly the way some religious people here pray kneeling and Rosary-laden in Churches and how, as soon as they get home, they kick their maids like animals or gossip maliciously about their neighbor whose daughter has been impregnated without the benefit of a Church wedding.
really a post with a deep insight into a problem, advice is for everyone regardless of the field or the structure of the problem – but my vote goes for the professional advice rather then anything else
Jasko’s last blog post..When the music’s over
@jasko
A professional advice works only when the couple does not see it as an intrusion. It’s really hard to avail of if the culture is “kahihiyan”-based (meaning, it is an embarassment to talk about really personal marriage stuff with other people)
sometimes, outside intervention IS needed to see problems objectively – and intervention from a third party with no personal stake in the marriage may add a perspective to it that may lead to resolution to problems that are blind spots.
that being said, woobie, i agree with you that marriage is a scary proposition, and should not be jumped into lightly. it’s better to try to iron out differences early on and find out what is non-negotiable for you and your partner, or which issues are those you can meet halfway for. marriage is something that cannot be undone just like that.
hahaha… spoken like one who has no idea what she’s talking about, huh? ;P
dr_clairebear’s last blog post..Mix Tape Tag
@drclaire
That’s incredibly insightful, actually. You’re absolutely right. Both parties are emotionally invested in the issues that’s why it’s harder to take an objective stand. An expert can help with that. The ‘one’ does come with a lot of baggage eh?
I have a feeling yours is coming. I just do.
Is it forever?
No, but only death can separate us.
Melo’s last blog post..My Homepage Text Copied By A Fellow Filipino Designer
masyado din kasing mataas ang pride ng mga pinoy kaya ayaw na ng marriage counseling.
I was not aware of the stigma against marriage counseling within your culture. But, I suppose it is that way for a lot of ethnic groups. I applaud your determination in getting it right before getting married. With any relationship, marriage or otherwise, whenever you have two or more individuals, there will be problems, it takes work to get through them, and yes, sometimes professional help to get through that work!
Great post!
Ash’s last blog post..Food Memories
Thanks Ash. Its not exactly a business here, more of a concept. Shrinks are for the crazy, counselors for the crazier… something like that…
So where does one go for expert marriage conseling in the Philippines?
In the province one can only do a Marriage Encounter, which I do feel is important but I think it needs more work to be truely effective.
I have been married now for seven months to a Filipino woman whom I met here in the US. I found out several things about her after we were married that she hid from me. Such things as family issues, her true values,her terrible temper, and her violent disposition. I am her third marriage, Im a military man, and guess who her first two marriages were with? yup military men. since she has quite her job (in this economy) and I have taken out four loans and a pay advance to cover expenses. When I act responsible with the spending ( not buying her 150$ jeans every other week) she says Im being controlling and will often display a public temper tantrum. Does this story sound familiar to anyone?
Razorsrp, really sorry to hear that man. Unfortunately, it does sound familiar, at least parts of it. You’re not alone. Be strong and don’t let the evil bitch ruin ur life. You worked hard to have what you got.
Annulment, divorce, legal separation… that could be the last thing in my mind as a married man. I still tremendously believe in the sacredness of marriage; the commitment to be with each other even life after death. “What God has put together, let no man put asunder”.